hauntedx-lover22

When a human being hits their early 20's, it seems to be that they just hit one of the most crucial times of their lives. In their 20's, a person is still quite fresh-faced from youth, despite the fact they strive to become the adult they almost are. Thus, this can lead to pretty fucked up decisions, poor judgements and a whole lot of frustrations. That entire "I'm treated like a child but still expected to act like an adult" concept carries itself from your teenage years to your early adulthood years, and though I can't predict the future or speak from experience yet, but the way I am experiencing things so far, it seems like to me that derogatory cycle will probably continue to my 30's. I'm 22 years old, although sometimes I feel no older than I was in my high school days. I graduated five years ago, see my problem? I look like an adult, think that I think like an adult, and try to talk like an adult, but I'm still treated like a newborn that was pulled out of my mother's vagina. Though I've done some bad things in my life, I think I still deserve a little bit more respect for the many good things that I’ve done. I may still live with my family, BUT I PAY RENT AND BILLS EITHER WAY. What I get in return feels like a fucking slap to the face.

I try to be a responsible adult. I try my best, although sometimes I'm not very good at it. I'm pretty much a nice person, I think. I'm a quiet person actually, maybe even somewhat anti-social. Well, not anti-social, just introverted. It's easy for me to make friends, but I tend to get tired of them, therefore making me want to stay home more often. But when someone pushes my buttons it's as though some rebellious little demon in me breaks out of its shell and lashes out IN THE WORST WAYS. I'm sensitive, so that makes everything worse. The one person who can really make me flip the script is my mother. My mother and I are like water and oil -ever since I hit my eleven years old its been really hard for us to get along. I know she means "best", but she never understood me. She never knew the best way to approach me. I think its unfair because I studied my mother enough to know what NOT to say to her in order not to start problems. For some reason, she doesn't consider that what she's saying in the manner she's saying it may offend me or make me feel some type of way enough to argue back. I can be tactful, but once someone starts my anger train its very hard to stop it, which is why about 60% of the week my mother and I are fighting.

 I don't work the best job, but its a pretty good job for someone my age. In fact, most adults don't work the job I do (concierge making 11$ an hour), so I have that part packed down for now. (I, however, don't want to be that smiley face handing out packages to smug, stuck-up people who pay over 3,000 for a one bedroom loft forever.) I used to go to college, but dropped out because of all the academic pressure, relationship problems, and self-doubt caused me to make probably the worst decision of my life. Maybe I lack the drive, or the motivation... but its very hard to have either when your family is constantly criticizing your decisions, or pushing me to do things when everyone knows im that type of person who does things on her own time ... in short, I procrastinate better than any other bitch in the world. (But still, I CAN'T BE PUSHED. It makes me feel like an animal backed up to a corner. what does an animal backed into a corner do? they attack.)

 I want to go back to school, but now I owe a whole bunch of money to financial aid that even my 11$ an hour can hardly pay for. I'm in a rut that I put myself in, but it makes it even worse when everyone rubs it in my face and pours salt on my wounds. I feel lost and confused. I feel belitted and unappreciated sometimes, but even I know that I can't blame everyone else for all my problems.

sometimes, I feel like a child who tries to wear an adult skin but doesn’t fit in it.

I hope I'm not the only writer in the world with this particular problem, but I have difficulty writing books. I'm too lazy to finish it all the way to the end, but at the same time, I dont want anyone to write it because they simply won't get it right. After a week or two of this writer's block, I suddenly think of something new. As I am birthing the beginning of this new idea, I get so excited that I go on a literature roll for a while there. But alas, my curse of a perfectly timed writers block will plague me out of nowhere again, leaving another potential novel figuratively gathering dust in the Stories folder on my computer. I have vowed that my Skyrim fanfiction will be the first novel that I ever completely finish, and that it shall. I am getting encouragement from fans, such as my sister, and the few who actually read my stories here on Deviant Art. For those who do, thank you! you dont know how much it means to me, because every bit of positive reception I receive helps me overcome this bad habit of me. Thank you, friends!

best regards,
Vivian